


Memoirs of a Psychopath

by Deang_Kast



Series: The Doctor, Rose Tyler, and The Psychopath [2]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Pete's World
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-21
Updated: 2015-10-23
Packaged: 2018-04-27 09:57:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5043907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deang_Kast/pseuds/Deang_Kast
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The thoughts of The Human Doctor when and after he is left on the beach of Bad Wolf Bay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I will try

**Author's Note:**

> This is a companion piece to Second Chances. I wanted to show how/why the Human Doctor turned out the way he did in my story. If you haven't read Second Chances, you may need to know that he isn't the fluffy one we all hoped he would be, at least in this tale. 
> 
> This can be read before, during, or after Second chances.  
> I hope you all enjoy.
> 
> Disclaimer: All of Doctor Who belongs to BBC and no where close to me.

“And you Doctor? What was the end of that sentence?” I knew he couldn’t ever say it to Rose Tyler and so I lied, in a way. I rubbed my hand down her arm and leaned in close to her ear and whispered, “Rose Tyler, I love you.” Then arms wrapped around each other and lips met for the first kiss of my new life. I felt the pain slashing through him as he watched sadly for a bare moment before turning away from us back to his Tardis. I hope he remembers that pain.

The Tardis is starting to leave and she turns and wants to run to it although she only gets a few feet away from me. I follow her and reach down to take her hand in mine automatically. It feels wrong somehow. I’m the same man, he said, yet it feels wrong. I look at our hands and can’t understand why. Was she right when she had claimed that I wasn’t him? We watch as the ship leaves and then look intently at each other.

If our hands don’t fit, then will we fit together like we always have? Will I be able to hug her and feel as though everything in the universe is okay because she’s by my side? I remember Jackie is watching and so turn us by that ill-fitting hand toward her and we make our way down Bad Wolf Bay to the nearest town. Jackie is making a fuss over us and over me for some reason that I don’t yet understand, if I am ever able to understand her. I still remember that slap she gave my last body. I need to learn not to think of next and last bodies, I’m afraid it may drive me mad.

Jackie is speaking to me and I ask her to repeat it. Something about at least we have each other. I stay quiet for now, unsure of how I am supposed to act in this world where I am supposed to need Rose Tyler and she can supposedly heal me. I don’t believe I need healing. My brain works just fine and I am quite sure that it is not Rose Tyler that I need. But I decide to try. At least for my counterparts’ sake. He had believed he was doing the right thing for us both and I do appreciate that. Perhaps my uneasiness at all of this is because this body is new even though its true age isn’t. I will try for now and see what happens.


	2. Christmas Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Human Doctor reflects on Christmas Day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a companion piece to Second Chances. I wanted to show how/why the Human Doctor turned out the way he did in my story. If you haven't read Second Chances, you may need to know that he isn't the fluffy one we all hoped he would be, at least in this tale.
> 
> This can be read before, during, or after Second chances.  
> I hope you all enjoy.
> 
> Disclaimer: All of Doctor Who belongs to BBC and no where close to me.

 

It’s Christmas Day now. We are spending the day with Jackie and Pete and their child. Rose seems happy today. She doesn’t have to go into Torchwood unless there is an emergency. I’m not on the emergency list yet. According to field reports I have read about myself, others see when as too unemotional to deal with special circumstances. They have placed me in the Science division because maybe that is a better place for me. I couldn’t really care less except for the fact that I was able to use parts to make me a new sonic screwdriver. I had missed mine quite a bit.

I’m still trying with Rose but my feelings haven’t changed. We agreed to move in together a few months ago mainly so both of us wouldn’t have to hear Jackie’s moaning over the fact that we hadn’t moved forward. I think I feel a fondness for her, mainly because she has been part of our life for a few years now. He thought of her every day when she wasn’t with him. I believe I would miss her company if she wasn’t there but the thought of loving her like the other me still does is sickening to me. I have yet to figure out why.

I don’t blame Rose even though I’m sure others would. She has been the best girlfriend a guy could have. She’s trying and seems to be succeeding where I am failing. It is possible that she is able to bring herself to love me but not because of who I am really, or perhaps that is the exact reason why. I am part of the Doctor and maybe that’s why she is able to fall in love with me. I don’t want her unhappy at all. If I could have one wish it would be that I could love her the way he did. Then maybe I wouldn’t feel like such a prat when her eyes sparkle at me.

Today, I am trying to be charming and loveable. I’ve learned that humans really aren’t that hard to deceive if you smile and say the right things. I remember that he loved this day before he lost her. Afterwards though, he would find the most dangerous situations he could. I’m not sure if it’s because he is trying to escape the memories or because he is simply trying to find a way to die. He still grieves for her. I know because we have a strong telepathic connection, at least on my side. I don’t think he’s realized it. Possibly because he wants to believe that we are happily continuing on with our so called happily ever after. For such a clever guy, he really is an idiot.

Roses’ phone is ringing, Survivor is her ring tone for Torchwood. I sigh, she has to go in now and I have to sit here listening to Jackie because Pete has to go also. I watch as she kisses her mother and gives little Tony a hug.

I walk her to the door and tell her to be careful. Her sad eyes get to me. She doesn’t want to do this without me again. I kiss her but not in the desperate way she kisses me back. I hug her gently, hoping she comes back safe again. While I can’t bring myself to love her, I really do not want anything to happen to her. I keep saying that. Why is that?

Jackie and I sit and watch the telly, joking with each other. I reassure her that Rose can handle anything thrown at her. After all, I should know, I’ve seen her do it. The telly reports that an armada is sitting outside our atmosphere. They are searching for a prisoner who escaped and has threatened to destroy the Earth if he isn’t found and returned. I roll my eyes at the idea. If they had the power to do that then they would be able to easily scan the planet for the prisoner.

A few hours later, I pick Rose up from work. She’s tired and covered in purple goop. The smell isn’t very pleasant but she wanted to get home right away and I have no problem with that. We are quiet as I drive us home. Once there, I tell her to go get cleaned up while I heat her something to eat. After her shower, she returns to the kitchen. I kiss her forehead and go to lay down in my room. We don’t share a bedroom because I don’t feel a need to. And she doesn’t push me because she understands that I don’t need her.

I wake up in the middle of the night when a flash of fear races through my brain. I smile and giggle. He is hurting again. Maybe he’ll die tonight. I open my side of the link and watch as he tries to save people from a fixed point. The Time Lord Victorious? Oh so he has completely lost it. I watch everything he does, and when the one he tried to save ends up killing herself, I laugh so hard I fall out of my bed. His pain is so very amusing to me. Soon, oh yes, it was coming very soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think in the comments. Hopefully as it gets closer to Tens death, I am able to show the Meta slowly but truly losing it.


	3. My Twin is Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during The End of Time 1&2\. 
> 
> This is a companion piece to Second Chances. I wanted to show how/why the Human Doctor turned out the way he did in my story. If you haven't read Second Chances, you may need to know that he isn't the fluffy one we all hoped he would be, at least in this tale.
> 
> This can be read before, during, or after Second chances.  
> I hope you all enjoy.
> 
> Disclaimer: All of Doctor Who belongs to BBC and no where close to me.

I’ve been hearing the haunting song of the Ood for the last few days. I know what it means. My twins’ story will soon be over. I think it will be today. I woke with a strong sense of foreboding today and when I tapped His mind, I realized he was talking to Donna’s dad. I miss Donna, more than anyone, even more than the Tardis. She kept me from going too far during her short time with us and I feel that she would have been able to be my friend here as well. She would’ve understood me.

I think Rose senses something as well. She was up even before me today and had this sadness in her that I haven’t felt since Bad Wolf Bay. She doesn’t know why though. We’re sitting at the kitchen table, both of us lost in our own thoughts, when I see something I haven’t seen since we were left here almost a year ago. Tears are rolling down her face. She looks as surprised as me and leaves to go to the loo to wash her face. I follow her.

“Rose, what’s wrong?” I’m sure she doesn’t know but I want to check anyway.

“I don’t know John. I had a dream last night of the Ood. They were singing this beautifully haunting song and when they noticed me, they beckoned me to come to them. Even though I was afraid, remember the only time I met them was on Krop Tor, they told me not to worry because my song would return soon.” She took a deep breath, having stopped the tears.

“Is that why you’re crying? Because you had a dream about your song returning?” I need to make sure of exactly why and I have a niggling suspicion that it isn’t.

“No, as we were sitting there just now, I heard a similar song and I think it’s about to end. I think someone very important is about to die. The song is heartbreaking.” She swallowed before smiling so sadly at me. She hasn’t smiled that tongue touched grin since Christmas and I don’t think I’ll ever see it again. Her telepathy has gotten stronger since we entered this world and I wonder if that is the reason the Ood are able to contact her across the Void. Do they even know where she is?

What did they mean that her song would be returning soon? That was strange in and of itself. We don’t have a way to return unless she’s been working on a new cannon but I’m sure she hasn’t. Maybe the Ood are just looking at possible timelines and their message had come to her later than it was supposed to. Yes, I’m sure that’s the reason.

“John?” She wants to ask something and I hear a small note of fear in her voice. Oh, what’s this? A thrill at that sound? Interesting.

“I watch her curiously, “Yes Rose what is it?”

“I was just thinking something. Could the Ood mean my song would be returning to them? That my time to die is soon?” This woman was braver than many I have ever encountered and studying her, I realize that it isn’t for her that the fear had made itself known. She’s worried about me and Jackie and the rest. Why isn’t she worried? “Well I know this universe is trying to kill me John, don’t look at me as though I should be worried or anything I do worry but more about all of you.”

“This universe isn’t trying to kill you Rose,” I try to reassure her, although I could feel how wrong this place found her to be. “Just because there wasn’t a you here before doesn’t mean that you don’t belong here.”

She gives me a dim version of her smile and goes along with me with a shrug. It pisses me off that she is so willing to let it drop as if it really doesn’t matter. If there’s one thing I have learned about her since we came here, it’s that she lets others feelings come before her own. She wasn’t like this before. Or maybe she was and I just never noticed it. She had been willing to die to save Big Ears all those years ago because she thought he was more important than her. She had put her own self at risk to cross universes in order to save them all. This is when it hits me, standing there in the hallway of our flat watching her finish getting ready for work, she doesn’t give a damn whether she lives or not. The idea causes my breath to hitch and a pain in my chest but I don’t understand why. I’ll pull it out later and look at it to understand better.

 

The science department has proven to be a place I enjoy. I get to play with all of the tech that Torchwood finds during missions. It’s interesting at times, especially when I’m given the go ahead from the higher ups to develop something new from the pieces laying around. That’s what I was doing actually when I received a message saying Rose was being transported to medical. All I could think of at that moment was what she had said about the Ood.

My hands are shaking and my voice breaks as I tell the others that I need to leave. Someone follows me, something about making sure I get there okay. What could happen in the few floors I need to travel? Idiots, all of them. I’m sure Rose is fine.

The medical team comes out of the room and tells me I can see her but to make it quick. When I enter, she looks like she’s dead and my eyes are blinking back moisture. Maybe I do care for her more than I thought. I stand beside her and take her hand in mine. It still feels wrong. If I care for her why would it feel wrong?

There’s blood all over her, mostly her stomach though. She had been shot in the stomach by whatever she had encountered. I remember once I would have felt rage over something happening to her but right now all I feel is a numbness as if I’m waiting for something. The doctor motions me out of the room and I follow him. They are going to tell me she’s dying. I will have to call Jackie and let her know.

There is a glow that is illuminating that room and the hallway where the door is open. I turn around and I see Her. The Bad Wolf. Oh but she is beauty personified. I drop to my knees because now I know why Rose felt wrong to me, she is not Her. She is merely the mortal vessel my Goddess has chosen. The Goddess heals Rose, looks me in the eye, and disappears again.

I am left with the poor substitute once again. I see the horror in the doctors’ eyes and quickly move to suppress his memories. If this was reported then Torchwood would lock Rose up even if her father is in charge. I see Pete rushing down the hall right before I touch him and wait until the man tells her father what is happening. Then with full support from Pete, I do what must be done.

I hear Rose waking up and wondering where she is. I manage convince her and Pete that it is better to get her out of here before someone realizes what has happened. We bring her to a safe house that only he and Jackie knew about.

It’s the middle of the night now. I’ve seen him say goodbye in his way to Mickey and Martha, they’re together, imagine that. We destroyed Mickeys life, well our ninth body did, Old Big Ears. Mickey the Idiot, I laughed silently. He had been a clever even if he had been a coward in the beginning. And Martha, we hurt her so very much and even after that she became a prophet for us during that year that never was just to save the world. I smile because I’m actually happy for them.

Jack, of course he would visit Jack. The one person left in that universe that loves her as much as He does. Oh I know others loved her but those two, they would’ve willingly and happily given their lives for her and they had in each their own way. It’s hard to see that look on the Captain of Innuendos face, he’s in pain. I wonder why. Jack is special, that one person that has seen and will see more pain than all of the Time Lords bodies combined. I never did confirm if he really was the Face of Boa. Something special that.

He saved Sarah Janes’ boy, Luke, I think his name was. I can understand the boy, coming to be as he was. Kinda like me in that, just one day all of a sudden, there he was. He visited a writer who looked remarkably like Joan from when we used the chameleon unit. He had a soft spot because he’d felt like he probably ruined her life. I can still feel his regret over that. Oh she asked him if he’d been happy. Now that’s a laugh. He ripped out his hearts and left them in a parallel universe, nope I’m pretty sure he’s been miserable ever since. But he doesn’t say anything.

Donna, oh my dear friend Donna, the most important woman in the universe, if only for a moment and she’s getting married again. Brilliant that. I hope she found her perfect man, the one that will make her feel special and will listen to her. She deserves that. Donna was oh so special, kinda like Jack. They were two of a kind actually. Missing memories that they shouldn’t have lost, being so loved but neither really understanding that. If I had to choose only one thing I missed in that universe I would have to say Donna. Maybe I should see if there’s a Donna in this one and try to make a friend again. Yes, I should put that on the list.

I feel the pain tearing him apart now as he fights to see one last person. A tear falls down my face and I let it. His pain is mine at the moment. Not surprising who it is really. His hearts are breaking even more at seeing her young face than when he turned and walked away from us on that beach. He tells her that she’s going to have a great year. He watches her enter the building and tries to tell himself that she’s okay. She’s over here with a man who loves her as much as he does and I wonder how he doesn’t know.

I watch as he sees the Ood and I hear the heartbreaking song they sing for him as he enters the Tardis. He’s almost there, I can feel our link failing. I hear a whisper of ‘I don’t wanna go’ before it’s gone completely. My response to those words are quiet in the room.

“Well we didn’t either.” Then I hear Rose scream. And I find I don’t care. Oh, I get up on check on her, don’t think I’m completely heartless or anything like that. She’s asleep and screaming and I see that she’s dreaming of Him. Of His death and I smile. I start chuckling as I go back to my room and it feels like hours before I stop. The link is gone and it seems that my caring or compassion or whatever it was for the woman that He so desperately loved has gone with it. 

My twin is dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love receiving thoughts on what others think of what I've done with this so don't be shy about leaving comments if you like.


End file.
